Sorry I haven’t been posting much! It’s crunch time at school so I’ve been a good little student and procrastinating like usual. Regardless of my school commitments I felt I should at least share with you this little gem before I forget!
Dad: I hate to bring it up, but I am going to be Lector at Christmas Eve Mass. I guess they decided to go with the Big Guns for this auspicious occasion. DVD sold separately.
Me: Great, can’t wait to nap through it.
Dad: Quiet woman, I have no time for your tears.
I just hope he won’t be doing the actual midnight service. I have nightmares about that. Did you know he made all of us kids go to the midnight service growing up and would get mad if we couldn’t stay awake? For Heaven’s sake, 6-year-old kids aren’t meant to stay up that late, let alone to pay attention to an old priest! I don’t even give my college professors that much attention, and I’m paying them!
Oh well, this will surely be an interesting family experience and I always enjoy opportunities to catch up with people and remind them that I’m a Mormon.
Every sibling wonders which one is the favorite. For some it is obvious, for others it is not.
Last Christmas something happened that clued us in on who’s the best.
Last year my mom had been frazzled getting Christmas together. She and my dad had just gotten back from a Vegas trip and had a hard time readjusting to caring about other people (can’t say I blame them, 3 grown children are the last thing you want to return to once you’ve been on a Vegas vacation). Christmas morning came and all of us trudged to the living room to open our gifts.
The first clue came when I excitedly opened a box with my name on it and found a shirt I liked. As I held it up my mom interjected, “Sorry Lauren! That was meant for Taylor…”
I was a little dejected, but I skeptically accepted the mix up and gave her the shirt. Clearly, Taylor was ahead of me since suddenly she was getting my gifts.
Then as we looked through our gifts we started to notice something… All the price tags were still left on the gifts. Now we could easily tell who was worth the most in the family!
Sadly I did not stack up so well against my siblings.
But the coup de gras was not to me, but the youngest.
Taylor held up a shirt with a confused look on her face. I got excited thinking maybe this shirt was meant for me instead, which would definitely level the playing field of favorites. But it was meant for my sister alright…
Taylor finally stammered, “I thought… I could have sworn I bought this exact shirt at Maurices last week? I think I left it in the laundry room.”
My mom’s eyes grew to a size I had never seen before.
She let out a shrill and started to apologize. That shirt was the shirt Taylor had bought for herself. My mom found it in the laundry room and repackaged it for her for Christmas.
So as Thanksgiving and Black Friday approach to welcome Christmas, remember if you don’t remove the price tags then you’re children will be able to figure out who is worth the most to you.
And if your parents repackage gifts you bought for yourself, then you are not the favorite.
Have a happy holiday everyone!
Okay so I got trapped into that Post Several Random Facts About Yourself status that has been going around. Now I’ve done those on facebook before and I really don’t feel like doing what everyone else is doing. So for your viewing pleasure, and to avoid posting about things I need to wait to share, I’m going to share 14 facts about myself most people don’t know.
- I am a very goal oriented person. You wouldn’t think that with how much of a goofball I am, but I actually have 1, 5, and 10 year goals I am constantly working on.
- I have double jointed thumbs and I love when it creeps people out.
- Ventriloquist dolls make me cry.
- I am actually quite politically active, but I don’t like to discuss such things on social media because I feel it is pointless.
- The lead singer of Imagine Dragons hugged me when I met him at a show in Omaha. Frankly I should’ve hugged him for surviving being companions with Fallon or Russell lol
- My biggest fear is settling for less than what I deserve from life.
- I am blunt, but I don’t even realize I’m being blunt when I am. I just say what I’m thinking…
- I started reading Stephen King when I was 10 years old. This is probably why I am so weird.
- I wasn’t a happy person until I became a Mormon.
- The most romantic thing a guy has done for me was buy me hot pockets after mine were stolen. I have to admit, the bar has been set pretty low for me.
- People tell me I need to slow down and not do so much, but I have this pessimistic view that if I don’t help people then no one else will step up. And sadly this belief of mine has been proven all too often.
- I am actually quite the cartoonist. If I’d gotten to do more art in high school I might’ve pursued it in college. I’ll have to post some of this sometime.
- I have a crazy good luck with strangers. Eventually this luck will run out and I will probably be murdered by a hitchhiker.
- I am a total Mac user, but I’ve never bought anything new. I’m too cheap for that.
I’ve never considered myself to be the “sheltered” type, thanks to my parents introducing me to The Miracle of Birth before I was old enough to tie my shoes.
Then again I am a little more conservative when it comes to matters of the body. I’m not overly-judgemental-always-wearing-a-turtle-neck-type, but I definitely don’t care for nudity. My mormonosity just doesn’t mesh well with that.
That being said, I was flashed this past weekend.
I was leaving from a friends place late Friday night and took a wrong turn and ended up in downtown Omaha. I was at a stop light and began to look around to decide which way would get me back home.
I looked to my left, I looked straight ahead, I looked to my right and saw a man with no pants, and I looked back to my left. Then I looked back to my right, and quickly looked at my steering wheel.
The stop light stayed red (for a really, really long time) and all I could think was, “I should not have seen that. Mormons shouldn’t see penis. I should probably call the cops…”
To be honest, if this had been in passing I would’ve yelled at him to put some pants on. Or tell him he must think it’s cold outside. But I was alone late at night and the last thing I needed was confrontation. I had just washed my car, I didn’t want a pantless man rubbing up on my clean Impala.
Finally the light turned green and I called the police. She asked if I could describe the man, and I realized the only thing I could accurately describe was something I didn’t want to talk about.
May I end by saying that I have no idea why things like this happen to me? Why am I the kind of person that acquires 50lbs of shrimp, steals sacred jelly beans from the most respected weather man in the city, or gets flashed? I’m a Mormon, I’m supposed to be Betty Crocker and not take ADHD medication.
This is probably what I get for leaving my small hometown for the city. If this happened back home at least I would’ve known who did the flashing just by looking at the guy’s boots.
Alas, my life as a Mormon will probably only get weirder as time goes by. Especially if I stay in Omaha.
I think my dad has started to jump on The Walking Dead bandwagon, but just doesn’t want to out right admit it. Though our last text battle does show that he definitely has zombies on the brain.
Dad: I just want to warn you. If we were chased by zombies, I am going to have to trip you.
Me: you’d have to catch up to me first old man.
Things might have escalated a bit much after that…
Dad: I will bring you down like a rabid dog in the street. And I will have a BIG smile on my face.
Me: You will be my first kill.
Me: And I meant that in the most loving way Dad <3
Then Dad did that thing where he can’t top what I texted so he throws random insults.
Dad: Better bring your umbrellas ladies, hurricane Rick is bringin’ the rain.
Me: I’m sure it will just be a drizzle of slobber. You always had trouble keeping spit in your mouth.
And finally, he reused an old insult. A classic sign that shows he has lost.
Dad: Quiet woman I have no time for your tears
This is also his favorite line from the cartoon show Dexter.
Me: your demise will be the pinnacle of my life.
Dad: nobody likes you anyways.
Me: I win.
Me: Goodnight dad, maybe some sleep will help you sound less pathetic
And this everybody, is how my father and I stay in touch and show our love. Though in all seriousness I’m sure he would trip me, but only if he absolutely had to.
Want to see the Other ‘Texts From My Father’ then click on the “Reoccurring Problems” tab
Well what do you know, I think it’s time for- wait for it—- Progress Report!
Here is my story in short:
Met Tall guy, liked Tall guy, went on date with Tall guy, & have not been out with Tall guy again.
Regardless of lack of actual dating I still liked Tall Guy. Go ahead and shake your head, but every girl knows it’s never easy to get over a guy- despite how obvious it is that you should move on. Like if it’s been over a month since you’ve been on a date. I mean as I write this I realize how stupid I am for not making a clear expiration of when I should’ve given up.
You know what, I’m going to make an app for that; meet a guy and set a calendar of how long until you should move on. If anyone that reads this steals this idea I will hunt you down like Liam Neilson after his daughter was kidnapped.
So Tall Guy and I at this point hadn’t been interacting much. Then one fateful Wednesday I open my Facebook to see a message from his roommate.
All it said was, “Are you busy this Saturday?”
Now I thought he was going to ask if I could help move someone, or maybe for a kidney donation. Trust me, a kidney donation was not as unimaginable as what he asked once I said I was free.
He just asked if I would want to double with him for laser tag and a haunted corn maze.
As surprised as I was by this, I couldn’t deny my need to play laser tag. Did I mention that lazer tag was in a corn maze?!
Oh and he offered dinner too…
With those 3 things combined, I was hooked. He could’ve said we’d set a tractor on fire afterwards and I would’ve been fine with it as long as I’d been taken to dinner and gotten to do a haunted corn maze.
So I said yes, then realized I was going on a date with the roommate of the guy I liked.
I immediately took to my sisters in my time of need, and instantly regretted it.
Me: Sis! I’m going on a date with the roommate of the guy I like!
Dill: Sucks to be you!
And the other sister…
Me: Sis! I’m going on a date with the roommate of the guy I like!
Tay: Didn’t you go on a date with that one guy first, and now his roommate? That’s called ‘whoredom’ Lauren.
Now I knew this was just going to be a friendly date, because you don’t double if you really like a girl, but I was still a little confused as to being asked. The last time I’d ever spoken to the roommate he had lectured me on learning to walk around in my boots without sounding like a giant. Hence why being asked for a kidney donation still seemed more probable than a date.
So what did I do?
Notice how my blog says, ‘I’m awkward and I know it’, well this is one of those moments that proves I’m not only awkward but obtuse as well. Seriously, I should’ve died of natural selection already.
I went and asked Tall Guy if he knew about his roommate asking me out for a date.
Had I thought this through I would’ve realized, “Oh hey, this may look like I’m trying to push that someone other than him has asked me out. Or maybe I’m just going to make things awkward for him and his roommate.”
I just went up and bluntly asked if he knew his roommate was going to ask me out. Sadly Tall guy had no idea and things were just, well… Awkward.
So I left, quickly. Pride was not intact of course.
Regardless of the awkicity (yes I made that up) I had a fun date for the weekend and the realization that it was also time to move on from Tall Guy.
Saturday came and I had a fun time getting to know Tall Guy’s roommate over dinner and going to the corn maze.
I mean, who wouldn’t have fun playing lazer tag in a corn maze?! Well, Hitler maybe, but that’s is beside the point. No wait, he’d probably still have fun. He wouldn’t deserve to have fun, but he would still have it.
And the haunted corn maze was awesome for the 1st hour. It covered 9 acres and I’m confident we combed through all of it. The 2nd hour of the maze was really just survival instinct kicking in so we wouldn’t freeze or get scared to death. Okay I was the only one getting scared, but I’m sure they wanted out just as much as I did. You can only run into chainsaw killers so many times before you become anxious to leave the situation.
It was only a double date, but a fun one. And I think the thing I enjoyed the most was the chance to get to know someone in a way I hadn’t before.
It’s been a little while since the double date, and no, I haven’t talked or anything with roommate. Which is fine. And nothing has happened at all between Tall Guy and I, which is fine too.
So things have not happened how I wanted, but that’s okay. Everything is fine.
And I think for once I really mean that, in a happy way too
Now I just need to work on getting my sisters to be more supportive via text…
I’ll just make this short and sweet, I broke my computer.
And can I just ask my mom if she is reading this to stop and text me for details. Seriously, please don’t read the account when you have the opportunity for me to stammer it out over the phone.
Oh and since I’ve realized more and more how much my mom is reading my blog (darn you Facebook link) I will be addressing her directly every once in a while.
Anyways- back to the story.
I have a thing for hand rails. There’s just something about them that says, “Look- I’m an adult but I’m still too lazy to just walk down the stairs. I need to fly!”
So whenever I see a nice handrail, that’s what I do.
Now I should be utilizing handrails to aid me as I walk down stairs, but regardless if I’m in heels, a cast, or peg-legged I must slide it (and I haven’t become peg-legged yet but it’s only a matter of time).
I have had several falls and rolled a few ankles, but that hasn’t stopped me. Until now…
Last Wednesday I had a ‘feeling’ I should skip class (I think any Mormon reading this knows what I actually mean when I say ‘feeling’). But I didn’t because I enjoy the class and skipping is stupid- usually.
We got out of class nearly an hour early and I knew there was only one way to celebrate: the handrail on the west side of ASH.
I had this spidey-sense moment that something bad was going to happen, but I ignored it.
As I began to slide down I was thinking, “Look at me I’m releasing my inner child and sliding down the rail. I’m so cute! I’m- AHHHHHHH!”
Yeah mid-slide I lost balance and fell on my back. My back just also happened to have my backpack on it, which contained books, sharp objects, and my computer inside. Yeah, my precious laptop.
I got up from my fall and looked to make sure nobody saw my fall, and as far as I know no one did. Though if there is some viral video out there of me I’d like to know; it’s probably titled: dumb blonde falls, it ain’t cute.
I idea that my fall could have harmed my computer was beyond me, I’d already put it through so much I assumed it was invincible. Turns out gravity is the only thing that could break it.
So after 4 years of loyal service I had to put my laptop to rest.
And I realized if I had skipped class then this wouldn’t have happened. I have gotta start listening to feelings that tell me to skip class.
But now I have an awesome 17-inch MacBook Pro that makes other computers look weak. I just have to start resisting the urge to slide down handrails… This has been a lot tougher than it should be.