I'm awkward and I know it

Cliff Hangers

Oh spring, is it just me or is the end of spring semester always have more questions than answers?

The power that be has dictated that I stay in Omaha. I wonder how many times it will take me to finally realize I’m here for good. Might as well buy a burial plot now. Not that that’s a bad thing, it actually sounds like a smart investment considering how land prices are bound to rise. Plus I want an expensive tomb with an escape hatch when I’m buried which will take a while to pay off. Knowing my luck I won’t actually be dead the first time I get put in the ground. It will probably take at least 3 times before I’m for real dead and buried.

And with me staying in Omaha I will start graduate school in the fall and will be a graduate teaching assistant. Funny how I’ve been dreaming of this for four years and it’s actually happening. It’s even funnier how I can look back on these past few years and see how things have perfectly led up to this. With so much build-up and preparation I can’t help but wonder what is in store with grad school?

Do I even feel prepared for grad school? No. Do I feel like I deserve this? No. Am I willing? Well on a scale of Laman to Nephi I’d say I’m at a Samuel. If you’re not Mormon you won’t get that, but it means that I’m willing but not as much as I need to be. Do you have any idea what grad school is like? It will be worse than working in insurance. Well, maybe not. That’s some consolation. But it will be hard. Hard like insurance.

Not to mention I have 1 class to take this summer. One class that if I don’t pass will ruin my future. Am I making too big of a deal over it? Yes, but then again it is draining my finances. I have no idea why, but every summer is “Let’s see how little Lauren can live off of!” It’s like 3 months of famine before 9 months of not-really-plenty-but-good-enough-for-a-college-student. Hence why I take weird jobs in the summer, like insurance.

The question begs will I survive school? Will I make it to grad school? Will they ever find someone to help me at FHE? Okay I know that one is a ‘no.’

Will I make it through the summer after paying rent and classes or will I have to sell muffins on the street corner?

I have no freaking idea. But if this blog has taught me anything it’s that taking a few leaps of faith get me through these cliff hangers. I’ve already taken my first one by signing my GTA agreement letter.

So here is that first leap of faith, signing an agreement that I’m going to work hard and stay put in Omaha for another 2 years and get my MA!

Photo on 4-22-14 at 9.47 PM


This is going to be interesting.

Step 1- The Circle Starts



Bam. There you go. How do you like me now?!

Haha okay enough of my egotistical retorts eluding to the picture of my new hair color. I should probably get into the whole story of the hair, what preceded it, and something to come.

As many of you know recently I had a break up. Sorry if the last post seemed a little sullen- I really didn’t mean to sound that way! In fact I’m kind of on a nervous up-swing right now (if that makes any sense).

Since I started dating I’ve always had a 3-step process to moving on: hair color, road trip, and adventure (which usually includes the infamous break-up blanket which shall be explained in a later post).

I was actually really hesitant to do this whole thing because this break up was different than ones I’ve had before, so I wasn’t sure if I should treat it like all the others.

But then I got some news yesterday, I was offered a job as a graduate teaching assistant at UNO. I’ve been dreaming of graduate school ever since I started at UNO and to be offered a GTA position is humbling and surreal.

With this life-changing news I kind of felt like things were falling into place, like a lot of changes are starting to come and I need to get on board with them. Then also there was the atheist rapper who influenced me too.

Oh yeah- so yesterday I went out to a show at The Waiting Room lounge with a bunch of friends from the ward. The opening act was this rapper who was quite talented and had a jazz ensemble play with him. A lot of his stuff was about his atheism, which I actually didn’t mind until he started soap-boxing his views. I paid to hear music not hear about the tragedies of society and how that proves there is no divinity (I have school to hear all that from). At the end of a song he said he played so hard he thought he broke his kidney. I yelled back that that was God’s doing (I couldn’t help it).

Well as he was talking about his constantly changing views I started to think how I need to keep going with change. So after finally getting to hear Satchel Grande (awesome funk band) I enlisted my friend Heather’s help.

I kept going back and forth about doing my childish tradition of changing my hair. But then I realized, yet again, that things are changing. So changing myself a little might do me good.

And so it was done. After 2 years of hair dyeing abstinence I relapsed. And I like it.

Though now I have to do some major moisturizing treatments because my hair is not used to being dyed. Looks like I may try the mayo or egg approach. Yes sometimes women cover their hair in mayo to get it soft, it tastes good too afterwards.

Now I’m on to step 2, which will begin later tonight-and it will be a doozy. I’m going back home for Easter… I can’t wait to see how my family reacts to this.



Pandora and Bridges

Day 2 of The Single Life. Or really, day 2 to everything being back to normal. I haven’t gone through my 3-step process of working through things yet but I’m holding off on that until this weekend. But trust me, as things escalate I will be sure to keep you posted on my progress. I just need to narrow down time for a road trip and a random food to eat (I actually have an idea but it just may be too crazy to work, but that won’t stop me from trying).

I have to say the most humorous thing in all this isn’t how I’m reacting but how everyone else is…

Dad: I bought you some honey for when you come home…

I know my dad. This is a ploy to be nice and get me to come home. I don’t know how honey is actually supposed to tempt me but I think it may work just out of curiosity to the quality of honey he’s bribing me with. Though next time he should just mention there is Netflix and cereal at home and I’d probably be there quicker. And then there was my mom. She tried to Facetime me while I was at work and had to wait until that night

Mom: How are you?
Me: Fine blah blah blah
Mom: Oh that’s great!
Me: Mom is there anything else you really want to ask?
Mom: How are you REALLY feeling?
Me: Fine… Why did Dad just text me “You’re your own brand of stupid?” He couldn’t just say that to me on camera?!
Mom: Oh that’s what he left the room for!


And then there is my boss…

Kristi: Are you listening to a Break Up station on Pandora? Come on Lauren be happy!



Kristi: How are you feeling?
Me: Fine.
Kristi: Are you sad?
Me: Fine.
Kristi: How are you REALLY feeling?
Me: Fine.
Krisit: Really?!
Me: Okay so maybe I’m a little bummed.


By the way Pandora you kinda suck. You were doing really well at first and getting me to reignite a love for R&B. But then you went off and started adding love songs. What the fish?! I chose that station to specifically avoid love stuff. I swear if someone in a really bad spot listens to that station they’re gonna go jump a bridge. “Oh look Ne-Yo is speaking to me- oh wait what’s this? Is this “I won’t give up by Jason Mraz? That doesn’t speak to me- it yells at me in harsh, hurtful tones. This wasn’t our song but it could have been… It could have been… Where’s a bridge?”

Thankfully here in Omaha we don’t have any high bridges. I would never consider such a thing, but I’m just saying it’s nice to know that any considerations would be too difficult to carry out. Gotta look at the silver lining of things because there are actually a lot of them in my life :)

The Major and The Minor

I’ll cut straight to the point: Major and I broke up this afternoon. Now let me begin this by telling you that this isn’t going to be a hate-filled post or one about how this has changed me. 1) You’d be surprised by how I’m feeling 2) It’s only been a few hours… Not exactly a whole lot of time for change.

I don’t know, I think it’s human nature to try to get things out. So I guess in lieu of my passive refusal to actually talk about it I’m going to write about it.

I didn’t see it coming but in hindsight I did. Major actually initiated the break up- a first in my life. It was simply that he didn’t “feel right” about the relationship. Now anyone that isn’t Mormon, or maybe some of you who are, may not understand that feeling. Sadly I understand that feeling all too well. It’s that gut instinct that is really the man upstairs trying to tell you something. It’s that feeling, that instinct, I usually go by. It’s that same thing, on my part, that probably led to this as well.

On my end I should explain that this past week I was accepted into the graduate program here in Omaha. I’ve been dreaming of graduate school for years, but I had been thinking of rerouting my life around Major. Don’t think that after such a short time I was completely going to throw my life away for him. I just knew that this was an adventure and I wanted to pursue it fully. So I had a set plan, Major caused me to rethink my plan, and my acceptance letter got me to rethink everything all over again.

Once I got my acceptance I just felt like I should proceed and trust that I’d figure out if I should go or not. Major and I never really discussed me staying in Omaha for graduate school, I kind of wanted to hold that conversation off until I saw him in person. Maybe that wasn’t the best idea but I doubt any discussion would have changed the outcome.

Well before I knew it I was getting called for an interview for a Graduate Assistant position- something I’ve also always wanted. It felt like the desires I had given up were getting pushed back right on me before I even had a chance to sort out how I was really feeling.

I prayed earnestly over what was going on. I was feeling burned out from undergrad, I had a guy I cared about; was pursuing my Master’s degree in Omaha what He really wanted me to do? Was He even aware of the torture He was enlisting me for?

Well then I read my scriptures. I received my answer: I needed to continue my education. Frankly, I don’t entirely know what the benefit of my Master’s degree will be. Actually pursuing it may make my career harder in the long-run. But I know that whatever I’m getting myself into is what Heavenly Father wants, so I just started taking some leaps of faith and dove into it.

Now through all this I don’t know if Major was already feeling like we weren’t going to work, but I know that I had a lack of feelings about us. I had my Bishop give me a blessing about this whole endeavor and I didn’t even think about Major. When Bishop finally asked me how Major fit into all this, with him being in Utah, all I said was that I know what I’m meant to do and it will be up to him if he continues to be a part of that. Funny how this happened just last night.

So this afternoon when we finally got a chance to call it was quick and to the point. I honestly didn’t think we were going to break up, there had been no tell-tale signs (even though I was well-aware with choices I was making that it could happen- just not so soon). But it happened. I do feel sorry if this had been something weighing on him, I sure hope it wasn’t because it didn’t need to be.

I told him have a nice life and thanks for the adventure, and I sincerely meant it.

Now I’ve just finished up my interview for graduate assisting and have informed a few friends and family so that it isn’t a shock when they see it on facebook.

Next, I’m going to slowly start deleting voicemails and texts I saved. Slowly- sadly I am not the best at ripping that band aid off. Then I’ll think about if I’ll remove all the pics and maybe take down the blog posts about us. Or maybe not. I still haven’t figured out if I want to leave this story arc or not. I think I just don’t want to remember much of this so that when the next guy comes along I won’t remember what to compare him to. It might be better to forget the bar that’s been set. Maybe not.

And I’ll have to start going back. I’ll get used to not talking to Major at the end of the day or getting texts from him in the morning. It’s funny how really this has all been a short adventure but it feels like I have a lot to get used to. Now that he is not going to be a continuing part of my life I have to start opening up to the idea of someone new. I can’t help but groan at the idea of having to go back to YSA dances lol

But that’s part of this too- I’m going to throw myself back into things and have a few extra adventures. Probably change my hair color, go on a road trip by myself, eat some random-questionable food. All that fun post-relationship stuff. And this time I won’t be doing it out of hate for the guy, I feel anything but that for Major. In a crazy-weird way I get the feeling we’ll run into each other again. Not anytime soon I hope- but someday. Crazier things have happened.

All in all I’m ok and I bet Major is too. We had a story that few will ever be able to beat but it’s at an end. I know that the direction I’m going in is the right one and I’m thankful for the adventure we had. And if I know Major like I think I do I can trust that whatever random direction he is going in is the right one too :)

- The Minor


PS My dad is just texting me. This ought to be good….

What I Learned At Passover

This past weekend my ward had a Passover dinner. I know that may not be what you’d expect a bunch of Mormons to do for an activity, but my congregation is very open to anything that teaches about Christ and my Bishop absolutely loves Jewish traditions (he’s very fond of Catholics too for similar reasons).

It was my first time doing this and I was excited but naive to the whole experience. That Sunday was our fast Sunday so I hadn’t been eating and couldn’t wait for the meal to start. A friend broke it to me that the Passover can take a while before we get to the actual meal. I panicked and quickly filled my purse with everything I had from my car so I could sneak bites if I felt I would die due to patience for the Passover. 

The meal began and we were all given a guide to follow along. It was a lot like a Catholic mass and that kind of freaked me out for a minute. Not that there was anything wrong with the process, but the whole “Leader say something, you chant back, a participant say something, then you chant back,” gave me a Vietnam flashback to my Catholic days. Let me reiterate, nothing wrong with any of this (not even that it reminded me of Mass) but having Catholic-like things happen in my Mormon church through me for a loop.

I only made a bigger dork as the Passover went on. There is this part where you dip the herbs in saltwater to remember the bitter tears of Israel. Well turns out you only have to do a little dip and not soak the entire herbs like I thought. By the way parsley is not fun to eat- it’s worse when it’s drowned in salt water. 

Things continued on the same note because I can’t keep myself in check. I had to keep taking extra unleavened bread because I kept eating the whole slice instead of just eating a piece. In my defense I thought it tasted pretty good, and I was hungry. 

Finally we were almost free to eat once we found the hidden piece of unleavened bread. But actually while everyone was looking for the bread I was looking for my phone because my friends are so kind (I’m starting to get the hint that I’m easy to pick on). Oh and they also filled my cup with grape juice mixed with the tears of Israel. It tasted like sadness and suffering. 

The whole experience, aside from the pain of the salt-juice, was enlightening. It was great to experience how another culture remembers its history symbolically through a meal and how this tradition strengthens their faith. It was actually nice to do something that reminded me of my roots as well. I hope everyone takes this time not to just celebrate Easter, but celebrate the season surrounding it and the profound meaning it has on different faiths. And I hope you know not to trust the juice your friends give you. Never trust the friend juice.

What Happens In Utah Stays On My Blog

I know everyone wants a detailed report on my trip to Utah, but that’s not going to happen. Primarily because I spent the last hour writing out a detailed one only to have my wifi fail and lose my draft. I’m perturbed to say the least.

So here is a simple break down of the trip:

  • 3 of us (because 4 and 5 dropped out last minute- it’s things like this that will give me trust issues) drove 13 hours in my wonderful Impala to make it to Utah for General Conference. Okay, all of us actually had dating reasons behind us going, but General Conference was a huge bonus.
  • I had to educate my Utah-native passengers that outside Lincoln and Omaha there is nothing and we consider a town of over 15,000 to be a city
  • Major came a day later than expected because his “baby” went kaput in Texas, and we learned the hard way it’s best to keep in close touch when such setbacks arrive because one of us assumes the other has been eaten by hillbilly cannibals when they haven’t heard from the other
  • I ate a lot of In-N-Out with my favorite Nebraska friends; this is our natural pose

Somehow Ryan always has the most normal allure of us all


  • After running on 4 hours of sleep due to a late night watch of Captain America I made it to General Conference and met up with Major

This is what you get when you ask for a ‘nice’ picture

  • I did a lot of shopping and learned that being surrounded by a sea of men is not as fun as I always dreamed it would be (I met up with Major after Priesthood session, hence how I was the only female for a mile radius)
  • Major and I had a fun date night that included meeting some of his mission buddies, meeting my friends, and getting to see the Provo temple (it’s actually better looking in person)
  • We decided to be facebook official, though I don’t think he realized the Kracken we were about to open. By this I mean what my family would do. Lets just say discretion is not a talent many of them hold- AT ALL. Especially on social media…
  • We went to Sunday morning session and then had to part ways again, but we tried to get one good pic before we did



So now it’s back to the grind of life until we see each other next month sometime. But with how finals are I can’t say for sure I’ll make it until then. And coming up I have some other big news. Though like I said, we’ll have to see if I live to tell =/

Look at the beautiful job I did blurring things out! I'm so talented!

Look at the beautiful job I did blurring things out! I’m so talented!

Let It Go, She’s Here!

Okay so I know I need to catch everyone up on my trip to General Conference and getting to see Major, but I’ve got pressing news!

Another beautiful baby has been born and this one in particular is forever my niece (someday she’ll realize what a scary concept that is).

ImageYes, this beautiful baby girl is now Lawfanduh’s little sister. This is how Lawfanduh took to the baby at first


Okay I’m not entirely sure if she was crying because of the baby or because she didn’t want to put the kindle away. Luckily she eventually warmed up.


It never ceases to amaze me the awesomeness in being able to create and nurture a new life, especially when it’s in the confines of a loving family. And with that I introduce baby Elsa

ImageDon’t worry, Elsa isn’t her real name (just like Lawfanduh isn’t really Lawfanduh). But she shall hereby be known as Elsa because I liked the movie (who doesn’t). When I first got to hold her I whispered, “Life only gets harder from here, but don’t worry- you’re going to rule the world.” Everyone gave me odd looks and I’m sure they regretted me holding her but in a way I meant what I said. Life will get harder, but she has a family that loves her unconditionally so she can definitely take on the world if she wants it :)




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