I know I should be spending today in self-loathing or extreme bitterness, but I’m not giving into any of that. Instead I’ve been reflecting on all my love life mishaps and having a good laugh. I figured since everyone has their own disasters I might as well share some of mine.
The Abuser Incident
No this isn’t anything about domestic violence, except I think I accidentally convinced a guy that I am abusive…
It was New Years Eve and I was in Sioux City for a dance. I’m very social so I began getting to know as many people as I could. I met this one group of guys where a blonde with a shy demeanor started to take interest in me. He was cute, but getting him to talk was difficult and that’s a huge turn off for me. Suddenly the New Years Pinata came out and my friend Jenny was getting her chance to swing at it. I saw her make contact with the donkey so I yelled, “BEAT IT LIKE AN EX-BOYFRIEND!” The blonde guy got a scared look on his face and said there was somewhere else he needed to be all the sudden.
A long time ago I was at my good friend Jen’s wedding. An ex-boyfriend of mine was also in attendance. At the end of the night I was trying to leave and my ex insisted to walk me out to my car. He was just being nice but I felt really awkward being outside alone with him. As I climbed into my car my ex kept talking when all I wanted to do was leave. I eventually cut him off and began to drive away. I know it was petty, but I left feeling pretty good for cutting him off. It was like I was saying, “Ha! I don’t need you!”
Just as I started to swell with pride and sing I heard something dragging behind my car and realized my muffler was falling off and creating sparks down the street. My ex saw the whole thing… I had to turn back and ask for his help removing my muffler. I remember looking up to the sky and muttering, “You just couldn’t let me win one for once, could you God?!”
The Plasma Place
I would like to start this story by saying there is no shame in selling your plasma for money… That being said I had just moved to Omaha and decided making a quick $50 so I could buy the special edition of Beauty and the Beast would be worth sacrificing any pride I had. I got up early and decided to skip showering so I could fit in with the other donors. I went to the plasma place and couldn’t donate because I didn’t have any current proof of address on me. I gave up and made my way back to my car. I was a few steps away from my car when I heard a voice from behind me say, “Hey Lauren what are you doing here?” I turned around and to my horror it was one of the cuter guys from church riding his bike to school.
I stammered and with my quick wit our conversation went something like this:
Me: Oh did you just come from the trail?
Guy: Yeah I did but what are-
Me: That’s a lovely trail! I think I’ll go for a walk! Nice seeing you!
I then proceeded to walk down the trail and took pictures of squirrels. I always thought how if I had been one minute slower or one minute faster I never would have run into the guy. I just assume God needed a good laugh that morning so he made sure our paths would intersect.
This one semester I had a big crush on a guy in my politics class. After 2 months of talking I finally had a plan to get us to exchange numbers. I suggested we hang out sometime so we began to pull out our phones to exchange numbers. He asked if I’d ever had a tracfone before. I thought that was an odd question but I answered that I’d had one in high school and that they basically a sad excuse for a phone. He then sheepishly pulled his tracfone out… I felt bad, but in my defense I was under the notion that terrorists and kidnappers were the only people with tracfones, so how was I supposed to think he’d have one? Lets just say I wasn’t surprised when nothing happened after that.
These stories aren’t even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my mishaps with guys. But if you’ve read my blog before that probably doesn’t surprise you. I just hope if you have any stories like these they aren’t making you bitter about Valentines Day but are giving you a good laugh instead.