Could this post potentially make me a terrible person? Yeah, probably. BUT I just feel for the greater posterity I should inform people on what I find really important.

Society teaches us it is wrong to judge, which is true. It’s also important to be able to tell if someone is a shady bean-sniffer or if they’re going to become my awesomest friend yet. I suggest all of you make similar criteria such as this.

The Quality of Their Toilet Paper

There is nothing worse than being in a moment of need and finding out that your friend couldn’t spare the extra $2 for Charmin and bought sand paper instead. Now I refuse to go into the story that made me realize how important this is, but let’s just say if it weren’t for my friend MT’s awesome personality I would have defriended him based on his toilet paper choices alone. Next time he has eggs and milk he will realize why I’ve bugged him about his toilet paper so much.

The Part In Your Hair

There is no excuse as to why you can’t have a clean-straight part in your hair. If you can’t fix the part in your hair you are also telling me that you secretly don’t wash your hands and you’ve never helped an old lady cross the street. Oh wait, I’ve never helped an old lady either, OH WAIT YES I HAVE BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO PART MY HAIR.

Your View On The New Green Apple Flavored Skittle

In 2013 tragedy struck the world when the higher ups in Skittles refused to talk to the little people that buy their products and proceeded to go from delicious lime to satanic green apple. It wasn’t so much that the taste changed but that there was now an evil after taste it brought. People would tell me that there is no difference and I would tell them that I hope goats eat their innards while they are completely conscious. And I meant it.

Can You Tolerate Country Music

I live in freaking Nebraska. I came from a town that raffled off a goat at Homecoming. If you can’t at least tolerate country music then I shall probably push you out of my moving vehicle and erase you from my memory. Oh what happened to Ryan? You say he rolled out of a car like mine? I don’t even know who he is.

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Do You Follow The Friendship Rule

I have this simple rule: friendship ends at midnight. You read me right, after 12 we are no longer friends until 6:30 A.M. So for those 6.5 hours no calling or texting unless it is an absolute emergency. And I don’t mean you’re dying or chased by a mob emergency, I mean like already dead and trying to send me a message from beyond the grave. Messages from the grave are welcome at any hour. Oh and if you’re a cute guy, but only on weekends.

Of course there are exceptions and extreme cases of each of these rules, but don’t ever assume you fall into that. Just play it safe and agree with me on these important things and we will be the awesomest of friends. Otherwise, I will look for the chance to push you out of my car.

 

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