The Dr. Seuss Killings

I am not a bad person. Well, sure I have a lot of flaws, but I’m not a terrible human being. At least I wasn’t until Saturday night.

So at church I’m kind of the activities person, not just the youth group leader. I organized a Dr. Seuss party because we’re adults that need an excuse to read beloved children books. And for food. We really just want opportunities for food.

I had everything together, and then I got a brilliant idea for table center pieces: gold fish.


I went and got the victims, er I mean gold fish and got it all set up. As I got to my bishop’s house and started setting up he pointed something out: I had no exit strategy for these fish. These 15 cent gold fish thought they were going to come into a happy home of love and care, but instead they were being brought into a cruel party that would ultimately result in their doom.

Within the first 90 minutes a quarter of the fish had passed into the great beyond. It was a little awkward to have people eat at the table admiring the fish bowl centerpieces only to realize half of them were already dead. My friend Blake nicely informed me that their death would be judged against me at the last days. I honestly hope he’s wrong.

How was I supposed to know that putting gold fish in tap water would practically kill them? In my defense it was just natural selection when they died off, only the strong survive.

Towards the end of the night “lethargic” would have been a nice way to describe the fish. We’d had a mini funeral already and I was worried we’d have to have another one. Luckily as the night ended nearly 12 of the 20 had survived- barely. To be extra kind I decided to give the remaining to people who weren’t able to attend the party.



I’d left these fish with the absentee friend’s roommates, but turns out these fish would have a greater fate ahead of them. The next day I walked into ward council and my bishop informed me that his wife and daughter felt so bad for the fish they took all of them in. I guess his family loves all God’s creatures, even the ones that can’t survive tap water. They even went out and bought a new fish tank with good water. Apparently once I was taken out of the equation the fish became lively and happy.

So sure I have the souls of 5-8 fish on my conscious, but it was a great party. And that’s all that matters, right?


Ps Major has been spending his time in Indiana recently, a full 9 hours and 10 minutes away to be exact. But now he’s making his way to Kansas. Probably won’t be seeing him until General Conference, but I’m sure I’ll brag about that on here once I get to see him again lol

2 thoughts on “The Dr. Seuss Killings

  1. I’ve heard of people doing something similar for table favors at weddings, so you won’t be the only one with fish death on your hands come Judgement Day.

    • Oh, and I was misled by the title. I was looking forward to a post about a Dr. Seuss themed murder-mystery dinner. You have disappointed me.

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